Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
*ernest hemingway voice*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.