I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Blew my mind.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man