Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I wish this was real life…
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Friday
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.