Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
😂😂😂
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.