Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
You Might Also Like
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”