Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
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If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”