9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape