I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
for all #parents out there
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it