An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
You Might Also Like
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
no one ever comes back
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
crying
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat