Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
How I’d get arrested…
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
LOL!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I found your tweet-up…
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of