Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.