I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.