Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
You Might Also Like
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
. 馃馃徎/ It鈥檚
<) ) 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/馃馃徎 9 o鈥檆lock
( (> 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/馃馃徎/ On a Saturday
<) ) 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/The regular crowd
馃懘馃徎/ 馃懙馃徑/ 馃懇馃徎/ 馃懆馃徑/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Why are bridges so flammable.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, 鈥淒o we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 馃槀
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it鈥檚 hereditary.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she鈥檚 already given them our social security numbers
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Do you ever feel like you鈥檙e a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
What the dentist sees
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU