Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Every damn time
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
How to find Kentucky on a map
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.