ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”