On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
why I oughta
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!