Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
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Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.