BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
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me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.