tell em, edith-anne
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“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I need a headline like this