Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.