8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My first son he is wonderful
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep