Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Well, this certainly took a turn
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.