[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator