They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*