lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
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My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
🙁
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game