I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes