9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
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My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I’m awake but I object,
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table