a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
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My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
This guy’s not having it 😆
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.