[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*