The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW