Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Not messing around
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.