Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
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[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…