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[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Confused owl: What?!
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands