“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Mood.. 😂
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it