“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
LMAO
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.