Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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Once again not all heroes wear capes
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.