If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
a badder mouse
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG