At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.