demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.