[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Inside you there are two wolves
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
So sick of all these stupid rules
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!