every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
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I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.