if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.