Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.