Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
only 11 steps left
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.