Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
DOOO EEEET
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.