The cashier just checked me out.
You Might Also Like
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie