Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
getting groceries
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Not today, today.
Not today.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.