Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Children of the corn 🌽
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.