Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
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If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.