a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
rich people when they have to pay taxes